Duck Soup Wavs
Groucho: "Chicolini - give me a number from one to ten!". Chico: "Eleven!". Groucho: "Right!"
Not wanting to miss an appointment to "insult Ambassador Trentino", Groucho calls for his (side) car & remarks on his resulting success with such trips.
Groucho: "Look at Chicolini - he sits there alone - an abject figure...." Chico: "I abject!" Groucho: "I said look at Chicolini - he sits there alone - a pitiable object! (let's see you get outta that one!)"
Groucho flip flops from insults to flirts with Margaret Dumont at the start of "Duck Soup".
Ambassador Trentino's Secretary: "Ambassador, Chicolini and Pinky (Harpo) are here".
Prosecutor: "Chicolini, when were you born?" Chico: "I don't remember - I was justa littla baby." Prosecutor: "Isn't it true you tried to sell Freedonia's secret war code and plans?" Chico: "Sure, I sold a code and two pair of plans! (to Groucho): "That's some joke, hah Boss?" Groucho: "Now I'll bet you 20 to 1 we'll find you guilty!"
Groucho (singing): "The last man nearly ruined this place, he didn't know what to do with it - if you think this country's bad off now, just wait till I get through with it!"
Groucho: "Chicolini, I'll bet you eight to one we find you guilty!" Chico: "Thatsa no good - I can get ten to one at the barber shop!"
Groucho: "And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business" Minister: "I wish to discuss the Tariff!" Groucho: "Sit down, that's new business! No old business? Very well - then we'll take up new business" Minister: "Now about that Tariff..." Groucho: "Too late - that's old business already!"
Chico: "Why my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!" Trentino: "Oh, really?" Chico: "Yeah - and the rest of his face don't look so good either!"
Groucho: "You're a brave man! Go and break through the lines, and remember while you're out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are!"
Groucho: "Why my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again"
Groucho: "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it!"
Groucho: "I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed - I'm expecting company!"
Vera Marquette: "Perhaps some time, we get a chance to dance together, huh?" Groucho: "I could dance with you till the cows came home - on second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home!"
Groucho: "Why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?" Zeppo: "Why, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, Your Excellency!" Groucho: "You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my desert wrapped in those papers? Here, take this bottle back and get two cents for it."
Groucho: "Hey, don't go away - I wanna talk to you!"
Groucho: "Don't look now.......but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you!"
Margaret Dumont: "Oooooh, your Excellency!"
Groucho: "You're not so bad yourself!"
Trentino: "Gloria, I've waited for years - I can't be put off any longer - I love you, I want you! Can't you see I'm at your feet!" Groucho: "When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine!"
Chico: "We fool you good, eh?"
Zeppo: "Message from the Front, Sir!" Groucho: "Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front! Don't we ever get any messages from the side?"
Margaret Dumont: "This is a gala day for you!"
Groucho: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me - I don't think I could handle any more!"
Groucho: "What is it?" Zeppo: "General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do" Groucho: "Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water!"
Groucho: "With a Hey-Nonny-Nonny and a Ha-Cha-Cha!"
Chorus: "Hail, Hail Freedonia! Land of the free and brave!"
Same as above, followed by Margaret Dumont: "Oooh, your Excellency! We've been expecting you!"
Herald: "His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!" Chorus (slower than before): "Hail, Hail, Freedonia! Land of the free and brave!"
Different version of above, with Trumpet flourish beginning.
Groucho: "I suppose you'll think me a sentimental old fluff, but,eh......would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?" Margaret Dumont: "A lock of my hair? Oh, I had no idea you....." Groucho: "I'm letting you off easy - I was gonna ask for the whole wig!"
Groucho: "Calling All Nations! Calling All Nations! This is Rufus T. Firefly, coming to you through the courtesy of the Enemy. We're in a mess, folks, we're in a mess! Rush to Freedonia! 3 men and 1 woman are trapped in a building - send help at once! If you can't send help, send 2 more women! Make it 3 more women!"
Groucho: "This is Firefly talking! Send help at once!" (From afar): "Help is on the way!" Groucho: "Carry on, men! Help is on the way!" (& then........)
Groucho calls for his car & gets it!
A shorter blast of Harpo's horn.
Groucho: "Remember - you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did!"
A double-whammy from Harpo's horn.
Groucho goes from conciliation to madness as he works himself up over what Ambassador Trentino will do when they meet over their impending war (a *classic*).
Ambassador Trentino: "I'm am willing to do anything to prevent this war" Groucho: "It's too late - I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield!" Vera Marquette: "Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? Groucho: "Yes, but I'll talk to you about that later......"
Groucho: "Gentlemen - Chicolini here may talk like an idiot - and look like an idiot - but don't let that fool you - he really is an idiot"
Same as above, followed by "I implore you - send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentary!"
Groucho: "If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is!"
Chico disguised as Groucho shows up in Margaret Dumont's room, and when asked why he's talking so strange, he replies "Well, you see, maybe some time I go to Italy, and I'm practicing the language"
Trentino: "Chicolini, you're partner's deserted us, but I'm still counting on you. There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28. I want it cleaned out!" Chicolini: "Alright - I'll tell the janitor!"
Groucho offers Chico a spot in his cabinet (another *classic* bit)
Lemonade Street Vendor: "I'll teach you to kick me!" Chico: "You don't hafta teach me! I know how!"
Groucho: "The Enemy is coming! There'll be two lamps in the Steeple if they're coming by land and one if they're coming by sea!" (hurries to window - sees three lamps in the Steeple) - "They've double-crossed me! They're coming by land AND sea!"
After seeing Harpo disguised as Groucho in her room after Chico does the same, Chico returns, and when Margaret Dumont tells him she just saw him leave "with my own eyes", Chico replies "Well, who you gonna believe - me or your own eyes?"
Groucho: "They're as valuable as your life - and that's putting 'em pretty cheap!"
Vera Marquette: "Oh, for Heaven's sake, whatever you do, don't make a sound! If you're found, you're lost!" Chico: "Eww, you're crazy - how can I be lost if I'm found?"
Groucho: "There goes my gun - run out and get that like a good girl!"
Groucho: "Any mail for me while I was gone?" (a great "mail" sound event file)
Groucho proposes to Margaret Dumont in his own inimitable way.
Groucho calls a meeting of his cabinet, gets the Treasury Department's report & when asked if the report is clear, he replies "Clear? Hah! Why a four year old child could understand this report! (Run out and find me a four year old child - I can't make head or tail out of it!")
Groucho: "Any answer to that message?" Clerk: "No, Sir!" Groucho: "Well, in that case, don't send it!"
Groucho: "How would you like a job in the Mint?" Chico: "Mint? No, no......I no lika mint - ah, what other flavor you got?"
Trumpets blasts herald message announcement, and Groucho asides "More bad news!"
Chico: "Thatsa no good!"
Groucho: "Ah-ah.........not now..........some other time!"
Groucho: "Nothing doing!"
Groucho: "I suggest that we give him 10 years in Leavenworth, or 11 years in Twelveworth" Chico: "I'll tell ya what I'll do - I'll take 5 & 10 in Woolworth!" Groucho: "I wanted to get rid of Habeus Corpus, but I should have gotten rid of you instead!" Prosecutor: "I object!" Groucho: "Even I object!" Chico: "Then I object too!"
Margaret Dumont: "As Chairwoman of the Reception Committee, I welcome you with open arms" Groucho: "Is that so? How late do you stay open?"
Groucho starts shooting his own men & when one of his soldiers tells him so, he offers him five bucks to "keep it under your hat" - then says "Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat!"
Margaret Dumont: "Good Heavens! You can't go with your trousers up!" Groucho: "I can't, eh? Well, they'll never catch me any other way!"
Cabinet Minister: "Sir, you try my patience!" Groucho: "I don't mind if I do! You must come over and try mine sometime!"
Groucho in his Cabinet Room first meets Chico vending Peanuts as they do a classic bit through Groucho's window.
Chico: "You gotta da plans?"
Trentino: "Now, Chicolini - I want a full, detailed report of your investigation!"
Trentino: "I'm a man of few words!" Groucho: "I'm a man of one word - scram!"
Trentino: "Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?" Groucho: "I don't think so - I'm not sure I'm seeing you now - it must be something I ate!"
The sound effect of an incoming & exploding shell upon Groucho's Command Post.
Zeppo: "Message from the Front, Sir!" Groucho: "Oh, I'm sick of messages from the Front!"
In a romantic moment, Margaret Dumont asks "Rufus - what are you thinking of?", to which Groucho replies "Oh, I was just thinking of all the years I wasted collecting stamps."
Groucho asks for Chico's first advice as Sec'y of War - which is to have a standing army - and when Groucho asks why a standing army, Chico replies "Because then we save money on chairs!"
Chico: "I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of dose big iron things, go up and down like dis - whattya calla dose things?" Groucho: "Tanks" Chico: "You're welcome!"
Groucho: "The Enemy has captured Hill Twenty Seven & Twenty Eight - throwing thirteen Hillbillies out of work. Last night, two snipers crept into our machine gun nest and laid an egg. Send reinforcements immediately! (Send that off collect!)"
Having made up with Ambassador Trentino, Groucho waxes loquacious over what Trentino said to make him upset - breaking them up again (another *classic* bit)
Groucho: "Go! And never darken my towels again!"
General: "Your Excellency! Our men are being badly beaten in open warfare! I suggest we dig trenches!" Groucho: "Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches! We'll buy 'em ready made - here - run out and get some trenches!" General: "Yes, Sir!" Groucho: "Wait a minute - get 'em this high, and our soldiers won't need any pants!" General: "Yes, Sir!" Groucho: "Wait a minute - get 'em this high, and we won't need any soldiers!" General: "Yes, Sir!"
The Trumpet Blast sound used in Duck Soup.
Groucho, Chico, Harpo & Zeppo play choosing games to select a volunteer to break through the lines (another classic bit)
Groucho: "Ride through every village and town! Wake every citizen uphill and down! Tell 'em the Enemy comes from afar - with a Hey-Nonny-Nonny and a Ha-Cha-Cha!"
The "Freedonia Goes to War" Song.