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Horse Feathers Wavs






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HHF_A_lesson_to_everyone.wav

Professor Wagstaff (Groucho): "And let that be a lesson to every one of you!"



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HF_After_school.wav

After chiding Pinky (Harpo) for burning the candle at both ends, Professor Wagstaff chooses to punish a pretty schoolgirl for his transgressions.



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HF_Alps_and_blood.wav

Wagstaff teaches a class in human physiology where he explains the Alps and blood circulation.



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HF_Are_you_Miss_Bailey.wav

Professor Wagstaff first meets "The College Widow", Connie Bailey.



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HF_Baby_talking_like_that.wav

Connie: "If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy!" Wagstaff: "If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat!"



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HF_Baravelli's_song.wav

Baravelli (Chico) performs his traditional movie piano piece for this film.



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HF_Baravelli_I_Love_You.wav

Baravelli takes his shot at performing the movie's theme song, "I Love You".



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HF_Baravelli_pickup.wav

Baravelli makes a pass at Connie Bailey with some suggestive mock Italian comments.



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HF_Bear_you_out.wav

Having lost patience with the Physiology Teacher, Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky (Harpo) "bear him out".



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HF_Beardless_youth.wav

Wagstaff speaks of his son Frank (Zeppo) to the assembled college professors: "No doubt you would like to know why I'm here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here - a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye."



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HF_Beautiful_eyes.wav

Wagstaff: "Did my son tell you you had beautiful eyes?" Bailey: "Why, yes!" Wagstaff: "Told me that too! Tells that to everyone he meets!"



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HF_Bet_on_the_other_team.wav

Wagstaff: "My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team."



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HF_Bicycle.wav

Physiology Professor: "Oh, Mr. President, this is indeed a pleasure! What brings you here?" Wagstaff: "A bicycle, but I left it out in the hall."



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HF_Brain_of_a_four_year_old_boy.wav

Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."



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HF_Burn_at_both_ends.wav

Wagstaff to Pinky: "Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends."



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HF_Call_it_square.wav

Baravelli makes a deal to get Wagstaff's booze bill paid off as Wagstaff pitches college life to Baravelli.



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HF_Candles.wav

Wagstaff discovers you can burn a candle at both ends.



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HF_Canoeing.wav

Wagstaff takes a canoe trip with Connie Bailey and recounts his search for a flat bottom.



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Come_to_office.wav

Wagstaff makes a "your office or mine" pitch to Connie.



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HF_Coming_and_going.wav

Wagstaff can't seem to decide if he wants his son to come to or go from him.



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HF_Cooling_heels.wav

The Dean of Science cools his heels in Wagstaff's waiting room.



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HF_Corpuscles.wav

Wagstaff gets an interesting definition of a corpuscle from Baravelli.



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HF_Crooked.wav

Wagstaff: "Watch yourself, Baravelli, he's almost as crooked as you are."



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HF_Cusses.wav

Baravelli cusses at Jennings in mock Italian.



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HF_Dissapointment_when_you_arrived.wav

Wagstaff: "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived!"



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HF_Doctor_in_the_stands.wav

Wagstaff delivers a line which just might have been the source for Tex Avery's high school classmates' phrase "What's up, doc?", which Avery chose to make Bugs Bunny's signature phrase.



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HF_Doing_this_all_day.wav

Wagstaff: "Follow me, I've been doin' this all day."



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HF_Don't_breathe.wav

Baravelli (pretending to be a voice teacher) to the College Widow: "Well, that's all for the first lesson. I come back next week and teach you how to breathe - and don't breathe until I see you again."



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HF_Dunces.wav

Wagstaff to Physiology Professor: "Have you got two empty dunce chairs? I've brought you two empty dunces."



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HF_Exactly!_The_Professor_is_right!.wav

Wagstaff's two "yes men": "Exactly! The professor is right!"



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HF_Exactly!.wav

(From the above): "Exactly!"



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HF_Falsetto_teeth.wav

After Connie shows Baravelli how she can sing, he says "You singa high, huh?" Connie responds "Yes, I have a falsetto voice", and Baravelli remarks "That'sa funny, my last pupil, she got a false set of teeth".



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HF_Father_and_son.wav

Frank: "Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son." Wagstaff: "My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father."



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HF_Fixafine.wav

Baravelli: "That's a fixa fine we're in!"



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HF_Football_or_College.wav

Wagstaff: "Where would this college be without football? Have we got a stadium?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Have we got a college?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Well we can't support both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."



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HF_Football_players.wav

Frank: "Well, they're not football players at all!" Wagstaff: "They must be football players, I got 'em out of a speakeasy."



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HF_Football_signals.wav

Connie tries to baby-talk Wagstaff into giving her Huxley College's football signals.



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HF_Frank_I_Love_You.wav

Frank takes a shot at singing "I Love You".



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HF_Full_of_whimsy.wav

Connie: "Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy!" Wagstaff: "Did you notice it from there? I'm always this way after I eat radishes."



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HF_Get_a_coed.wav

Wagstaff: "Go to college! Meet all the beautiful girls! Get yourself a coed." Baravelli: "Hah, I got a coed! Last week, for eighteen dollars, I got a coed with two pair of pants." Wagstaff: "Since when has a coed got two pair of pants?" Baravelli: "Since I joined the college."



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HF_Get_a_new_lawyer.wav

Wagstaff: "That's not a bad idea. I'll tell ya, I'll consult me laywer - and if he advises me to do, I'll get a new lawyer."



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HF_Going_my_way.wav

The crook who tries to fix the game between Huxley and Darwin Colleges, Jennings, kicks Wagstaff and Baravelli out of his accomplice Connie's apartment.



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HF_Good_music.wav

Jennings: "I love good music." Wagstaff: "So do I. Let's get outta here!" Jennings: "Sit down!"



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HF_Hello_Oldtimer!.wav

Frank to his father: "Hello, Oldtimer!"



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HF_Hold_this_coat.wav

Outgoing College President to new President Wagstaff: "It is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College." Wagstaff: "Never mind that, hold this coat."



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HF_Homework_in_School.wav

Wagstaff: "So! Doing your homework in school, eh?"



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HF_Horsewhip.wav

Wagstaff: "I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse!"



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HF_Hot_Dog_Stand.wav

Jennings: "Pretty popular place, isn't it?" Wagstaff: "Yes, a hot dog stand'd clean up here."



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HF_I'm_Against_It.wav

Wagstaff sings "I'm Against It".

Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.



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HF_I_must_go_mad.wav

Wagstaff: "Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad!"



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HF_Introducing_Wagstaff.wav

The outgoing College President introduces his replacement, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.



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HF_Italian_love_call.wav

Baravelli's mock Italian admiration of Connie.



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HF_Janitor's_wife.wav

Wagstaff: "Don't look now, boys, but I think I see the Chemistry Professor up in the stands with the Janitor's wife!"



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HF_Kidnapping.wav

Baravelli and Pinky try to kidnap Darwin's top players, Mullin and McCarty.



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HF_Kidnapping_and_chauffers.wav

Wagstaff propositions Baravelli to kidnap Darwin's star players & gets an earful.



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HF_Kisses_or_onions.wav

Connie: "Ha ha, naughty man is only foolin'! Just for that, I'm comin' right over there and smootherin' naughty man with kisses!" Wagstaff: "You couldn't make that onions instead, could ya?"



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HF_Lamp_in_the_window.wav

Wagstaff: "Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy."



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HF_Lamp_out_of_the_window.wav

Wagstaff: "If my son comes back, tell him to take the lamp out of the window."



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HF_Lecture.rm

A RealVideo clip of Wagstaff physiology lesson.



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HF_Let_the_sap_run_out.wav

Wagstaff to Baravelli: "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"



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HF_Making_it_up.wav

Physiology Professor: "Psychopathically, the duodenum is in inverse ratio to the coordination of the palyphus." Wagstaff: "Is this stuff on the level, or are you making this stuff up as you go along?"



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HF_Marriage_licence.wav

Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage licence."



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HF_Neglecting_Football_for_Education.wav

Wagstaff consults his yes men to determine the relative values of football and education.



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HF_Never_know_the_difference.wav

Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell ya what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference."



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HF_Oh_the_shame_of_it!.wav

Wagstaff: "Oh, the shame of it!".



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HF_Pep_talk.wav

Wagstaff gives a pep talk to the wrong team.



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HF_Pinky_I_Love_You.wav

Pinky does his rendition of "I Love You".

Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.



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HF_Pull_yourself_to_pieces.wav

Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?"



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HF_Raises.wav

Wagstaff promises a raise to his yes men.



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HF_Ring_tail_monkey.wav

Jennings: "If this is a singing lesson, I'm a ring tail monkey!" Wagstaff: "This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it!"



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HF_Sawing_a_woman_in_half.wav

Wagstaff to physiology class: "Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?"



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HF_Scirosis.wav

The Physiology Professor learns a thing or four about scirosis of the liver from Baravelli.



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HF_Shooting_gallery.wav

Wagstaff to Baravelli: "How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?"



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HF_Sign_this_agreement.wav

Wagstaff: "Now I want you to sign this agreement." Baravelli: "Hey, there's nothing on this paper!" Wagstaff: "That's alright, we'll fill in something later."



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HF_Signals_1.wav

Baravelli uses the first of Huxley's football signals.



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HF_Signals_2.wav

The second of Huxley's signals.



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HF_Signals_3.wav

The third of Huxley's signals.



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HF_Signals_4.wav

The fourth of Huxley's signals.



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HF_Signals_5.wav

The fifth of Huxley's signals.



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HF_Sitting_on_your_lap.wav

Wagstaff: "Oh, I love sitting on your lap! I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up!"



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HF_Stepping_out.wav

Jennings: "Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would ya?" Wagstaff: "Why, I'd love to step out, but I have to see the girl first."



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HF_Swordfish.wav

The Swordfish speakeasy password skit.

Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.



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HF_Telegraph.wav

Wagstaff uses an inkwell to telegraph his desperate last stand against Baravelli and Pinky's peashooter attack.



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HF_That's_what_I_think.wav

Wagstaff's yes men: "That's what I think."



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HF_The_Ice_Man.wav

Wagstaff: "Who was that?" Connie: "The Ice Man." Wagstaff: "Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice!"



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HF_The_Liver.wav

The Physiology Professor lectures on the liver.



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HF_The_Professor_is_right!.wav

Wagstaff's yes men: "The Professor is right!"



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HF_They_got_me!.wav

Wagstaff: "They got me!"



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HF_This_school.wav

Wagstaff: "This school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go!"



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HF_Till_this_blows_over.wav

Wagstaff (during Baravelli's piano solo): "I've got to stay here - but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby till this thing blows over!"



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HF_Twenty_year_joke.wav

Wagstaff: "That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!"



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HF_Understand.wav

Connie: "Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals! Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?" Wagstaff: "I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything."



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HF_Wagstaff_Huxley_Huxley_Wagstaff.wav

Wagstaff: "I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley college." Baravelli: "That means nothing to me." Wagstaff: "Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff college." Baravelli: "Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long!" Wagstaff: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?"



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HF_Wagstaff_I_Love_You.wav

Professor Wagstaff strums along with his rendition of "I Love You".



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HF_Wagstaff_Sports_Announcer.wav

Wagstaff takes a crack at sports announcing on WADX radio.



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HF_Wagstaff_introduces_himself.wav

Wagstaff introduces himself to Huxley College.



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HF_Watermelon_open.wav

Baravelli asks an interesting question of the Physiology Professor in response to his lecture.



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HF_Waxing_Wroth.wav

The Dean of Science gets angy sitting in Wagstaff's waiting room.



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HF_We'll_get_in_touch_with_you.wav

Wagstaff to Frank: "You may go now. Leave your name and address with the girl outside, and if anything turns up, we'll get in touch with ya."



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HF_We_do.wav

Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky all say "I do" as Frank marries Connie.



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HF_What_Baravelli_doing.wav

Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Baravelli: "Why me? Ha, I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons." Jennings (to Connie): "Since when are you taking singing lessons?" Baravelli: "Since you came in."



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HF_What_Wagstaff_doing.wav

Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Wagstaff: "I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. (Aside:) That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!"



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HF_Where_students_should_sleep.wav

Wagstaff's yes men: "But Professor! Where will the students sleep?" Wagstaff: "Where they always sleep - in the classroom!"



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HF_Where_you_going.wav

Wagstaff can't understand why his son goes when he tells him to.



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HF_Wise_quack.wav

(Duck quacks) Wagstaff: "That's a wise quack! You keep your bill out of this, how would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?"



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HF_You're_beautiful!.wav

Caravelli to Connie: "Oh, you're beautiful! Ah, so nice!"



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HF_You've_got_something_there.wav

Wagstaff: "I think you've got something there, and I'll wait outside until you clean it up."



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HF_You_may_go_now.wav

Wagstaff: "You may go now."



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HF_You_or_the_duck.wav

Connie: "Is gweat big strong man gonna show little icky baby all about the bad football signals?" Wagstaff: "Was that you or the duck? Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck!"



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HF_Your_office_or_mine.wav

Wagstaff to Connie: "Come right over to my office. You can't, you're in bed? Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office."



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Horse_Feathers.wav

The Opening Theme to "Horse Feathers".



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Horse_Feathers_closing.wav

The Closing Theme to "Horse Feathers".



All sounds & pictures digitized by J. C. Kaelin, Jr. 1998.







© 1996-2014, J. C. Kaelin, Jr.. All Rights Reserved.

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