Horse Feathers Wavs HHF_A_lesson_to_everyone.wav Professor Wagstaff (Groucho): "And let that be a lesson to every one of you!" HF_After_school.wav After chiding Pinky (Harpo) for burning the candle at both ends, Professor Wagstaff chooses to punish a pretty schoolgirl for his transgressions. HF_Alps_and_blood.wav Wagstaff teaches a class in human physiology where he explains the Alps and blood circulation. HF_Are_you_Miss_Bailey.wav Professor Wagstaff first meets "The College Widow", Connie Bailey. HF_Baby_talking_like_that.wav Connie: "If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy!" Wagstaff: "If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat!" HF_Baravelli's_song.wav Baravelli (Chico) performs his traditional movie piano piece for this film. HF_Baravelli_I_Love_You.wav Baravelli takes his shot at performing the movie's theme song, "I Love You". HF_Baravelli_pickup.wav Baravelli makes a pass at Connie Bailey with some suggestive mock Italian comments. HF_Bear_you_out.wav Having lost patience with the Physiology Teacher, Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky (Harpo) "bear him out". HF_Beardless_youth.wav Wagstaff speaks of his son Frank (Zeppo) to the assembled college professors: "No doubt you would like to know why I'm here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here - a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye." HF_Beautiful_eyes.wav Wagstaff: "Did my son tell you you had beautiful eyes?" Bailey: "Why, yes!" Wagstaff: "Told me that too! Tells that to everyone he meets!" HF_Bet_on_the_other_team.wav Wagstaff: "My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team." HF_Bicycle.wav Physiology Professor: "Oh, Mr. President, this is indeed a pleasure! What brings you here?" Wagstaff: "A bicycle, but I left it out in the hall." HF_Brain_of_a_four_year_old_boy.wav Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." HF_Burn_at_both_ends.wav Wagstaff to Pinky: "Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends." HF_Call_it_square.wav Baravelli makes a deal to get Wagstaff's booze bill paid off as Wagstaff pitches college life to Baravelli. HF_Candles.wav Wagstaff discovers you can burn a candle at both ends. HF_Canoeing.wav Wagstaff takes a canoe trip with Connie Bailey and recounts his search for a flat bottom. Come_to_office.wav Wagstaff makes a "your office or mine" pitch to Connie. HF_Coming_and_going.wav Wagstaff can't seem to decide if he wants his son to come to or go from him. HF_Cooling_heels.wav The Dean of Science cools his heels in Wagstaff's waiting room. HF_Corpuscles.wav Wagstaff gets an interesting definition of a corpuscle from Baravelli. HF_Crooked.wav Wagstaff: "Watch yourself, Baravelli, he's almost as crooked as you are." HF_Cusses.wav Baravelli cusses at Jennings in mock Italian. HF_Dissapointment_when_you_arrived.wav Wagstaff: "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived!" HF_Doctor_in_the_stands.wav Wagstaff delivers a line which just might have been the source for Tex Avery's high school classmates' phrase "What's up, doc?", which Avery chose to make Bugs Bunny's signature phrase. HF_Doing_this_all_day.wav Wagstaff: "Follow me, I've been doin' this all day." HF_Don't_breathe.wav Baravelli (pretending to be a voice teacher) to the College Widow: "Well, that's all for the first lesson. I come back next week and teach you how to breathe - and don't breathe until I see you again." HF_Dunces.wav Wagstaff to Physiology Professor: "Have you got two empty dunce chairs? I've brought you two empty dunces." HF_Exactly!_The_Professor_is_right!.wav Wagstaff's two "yes men": "Exactly! The professor is right!" HF_Exactly!.wav (From the above): "Exactly!" HF_Falsetto_teeth.wav After Connie shows Baravelli how she can sing, he says "You singa high, huh?" Connie responds "Yes, I have a falsetto voice", and Baravelli remarks "That'sa funny, my last pupil, she got a false set of teeth". HF_Father_and_son.wav Frank: "Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son." Wagstaff: "My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father." HF_Fixafine.wav Baravelli: "That's a fixa fine we're in!" HF_Football_or_College.wav Wagstaff: "Where would this college be without football? Have we got a stadium?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Have we got a college?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Well we can't support both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college." HF_Football_players.wav Frank: "Well, they're not football players at all!" Wagstaff: "They must be football players, I got 'em out of a speakeasy." HF_Football_signals.wav Connie tries to baby-talk Wagstaff into giving her Huxley College's football signals. HF_Frank_I_Love_You.wav Frank takes a shot at singing "I Love You". HF_Full_of_whimsy.wav Connie: "Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy!" Wagstaff: "Did you notice it from there? I'm always this way after I eat radishes." HF_Get_a_coed.wav Wagstaff: "Go to college! Meet all the beautiful girls! Get yourself a coed." Baravelli: "Hah, I got a coed! Last week, for eighteen dollars, I got a coed with two pair of pants." Wagstaff: "Since when has a coed got two pair of pants?" Baravelli: "Since I joined the college." HF_Get_a_new_lawyer.wav Wagstaff: "That's not a bad idea. I'll tell ya, I'll consult me laywer - and if he advises me to do, I'll get a new lawyer." HF_Going_my_way.wav The crook who tries to fix the game between Huxley and Darwin Colleges, Jennings, kicks Wagstaff and Baravelli out of his accomplice Connie's apartment. HF_Good_music.wav Jennings: "I love good music." Wagstaff: "So do I. Let's get outta here!" Jennings: "Sit down!" HF_Hello_Oldtimer!.wav Frank to his father: "Hello, Oldtimer!" HF_Hold_this_coat.wav Outgoing College President to new President Wagstaff: "It is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College." Wagstaff: "Never mind that, hold this coat." HF_Homework_in_School.wav Wagstaff: "So! Doing your homework in school, eh?" HF_Horsewhip.wav Wagstaff: "I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse!" HF_Hot_Dog_Stand.wav Jennings: "Pretty popular place, isn't it?" Wagstaff: "Yes, a hot dog stand'd clean up here." HF_I'm_Against_It.wav Wagstaff sings "I'm Against It". Streaming RealVideo clip of the above. HF_I_must_go_mad.wav Wagstaff: "Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad!" HF_Introducing_Wagstaff.wav The outgoing College President introduces his replacement, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff. HF_Italian_love_call.wav Baravelli's mock Italian admiration of Connie. HF_Janitor's_wife.wav Wagstaff: "Don't look now, boys, but I think I see the Chemistry Professor up in the stands with the Janitor's wife!" HF_Kidnapping.wav Baravelli and Pinky try to kidnap Darwin's top players, Mullin and McCarty. HF_Kidnapping_and_chauffers.wav Wagstaff propositions Baravelli to kidnap Darwin's star players & gets an earful. HF_Kisses_or_onions.wav Connie: "Ha ha, naughty man is only foolin'! Just for that, I'm comin' right over there and smootherin' naughty man with kisses!" Wagstaff: "You couldn't make that onions instead, could ya?" HF_Lamp_in_the_window.wav Wagstaff: "Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy." HF_Lamp_out_of_the_window.wav Wagstaff: "If my son comes back, tell him to take the lamp out of the window." HF_Lecture.rm A RealVideo clip of Wagstaff physiology lesson. HF_Let_the_sap_run_out.wav Wagstaff to Baravelli: "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" HF_Making_it_up.wav Physiology Professor: "Psychopathically, the duodenum is in inverse ratio to the coordination of the palyphus." Wagstaff: "Is this stuff on the level, or are you making this stuff up as you go along?" HF_Marriage_licence.wav Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage licence." HF_Neglecting_Football_for_Education.wav Wagstaff consults his yes men to determine the relative values of football and education. HF_Never_know_the_difference.wav Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell ya what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference." HF_Oh_the_shame_of_it!.wav Wagstaff: "Oh, the shame of it!". HF_Pep_talk.wav Wagstaff gives a pep talk to the wrong team. HF_Pinky_I_Love_You.wav Pinky does his rendition of "I Love You". Streaming RealVideo clip of the above. HF_Pull_yourself_to_pieces.wav Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?" HF_Raises.wav Wagstaff promises a raise to his yes men. HF_Ring_tail_monkey.wav Jennings: "If this is a singing lesson, I'm a ring tail monkey!" Wagstaff: "This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it!" HF_Sawing_a_woman_in_half.wav Wagstaff to physiology class: "Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?" HF_Scirosis.wav The Physiology Professor learns a thing or four about scirosis of the liver from Baravelli. HF_Shooting_gallery.wav Wagstaff to Baravelli: "How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?" HF_Sign_this_agreement.wav Wagstaff: "Now I want you to sign this agreement." Baravelli: "Hey, there's nothing on this paper!" Wagstaff: "That's alright, we'll fill in something later." HF_Signals_1.wav Baravelli uses the first of Huxley's football signals. HF_Signals_2.wav The second of Huxley's signals. HF_Signals_3.wav The third of Huxley's signals. HF_Signals_4.wav The fourth of Huxley's signals. HF_Signals_5.wav The fifth of Huxley's signals. HF_Sitting_on_your_lap.wav Wagstaff: "Oh, I love sitting on your lap! I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up!" HF_Stepping_out.wav Jennings: "Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would ya?" Wagstaff: "Why, I'd love to step out, but I have to see the girl first." HF_Swordfish.wav The Swordfish speakeasy password skit. Streaming RealVideo clip of the above. HF_Telegraph.wav Wagstaff uses an inkwell to telegraph his desperate last stand against Baravelli and Pinky's peashooter attack. HF_That's_what_I_think.wav Wagstaff's yes men: "That's what I think." HF_The_Ice_Man.wav Wagstaff: "Who was that?" Connie: "The Ice Man." Wagstaff: "Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice!" HF_The_Liver.wav The Physiology Professor lectures on the liver. HF_The_Professor_is_right!.wav Wagstaff's yes men: "The Professor is right!" HF_They_got_me!.wav Wagstaff: "They got me!" HF_This_school.wav Wagstaff: "This school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go!" HF_Till_this_blows_over.wav Wagstaff (during Baravelli's piano solo): "I've got to stay here - but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby till this thing blows over!" HF_Twenty_year_joke.wav Wagstaff: "That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!" HF_Understand.wav Connie: "Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals! Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?" Wagstaff: "I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything." HF_Wagstaff_Huxley_Huxley_Wagstaff.wav Wagstaff: "I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley college." Baravelli: "That means nothing to me." Wagstaff: "Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff college." Baravelli: "Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long!" Wagstaff: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?" HF_Wagstaff_I_Love_You.wav Professor Wagstaff strums along with his rendition of "I Love You". HF_Wagstaff_Sports_Announcer.wav Wagstaff takes a crack at sports announcing on WADX radio. HF_Wagstaff_introduces_himself.wav Wagstaff introduces himself to Huxley College. HF_Watermelon_open.wav Baravelli asks an interesting question of the Physiology Professor in response to his lecture. HF_Waxing_Wroth.wav The Dean of Science gets angy sitting in Wagstaff's waiting room. HF_We'll_get_in_touch_with_you.wav Wagstaff to Frank: "You may go now. Leave your name and address with the girl outside, and if anything turns up, we'll get in touch with ya." HF_We_do.wav Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky all say "I do" as Frank marries Connie. HF_What_Baravelli_doing.wav Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Baravelli: "Why me? Ha, I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons." Jennings (to Connie): "Since when are you taking singing lessons?" Baravelli: "Since you came in." HF_What_Wagstaff_doing.wav Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Wagstaff: "I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. (Aside:) That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!" HF_Where_students_should_sleep.wav Wagstaff's yes men: "But Professor! Where will the students sleep?" Wagstaff: "Where they always sleep - in the classroom!" HF_Where_you_going.wav Wagstaff can't understand why his son goes when he tells him to. HF_Wise_quack.wav (Duck quacks) Wagstaff: "That's a wise quack! You keep your bill out of this, how would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?" HF_You're_beautiful!.wav Caravelli to Connie: "Oh, you're beautiful! Ah, so nice!" HF_You've_got_something_there.wav Wagstaff: "I think you've got something there, and I'll wait outside until you clean it up." HF_You_may_go_now.wav Wagstaff: "You may go now." HF_You_or_the_duck.wav Connie: "Is gweat big strong man gonna show little icky baby all about the bad football signals?" Wagstaff: "Was that you or the duck? Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck!" HF_Your_office_or_mine.wav Wagstaff to Connie: "Come right over to my office. You can't, you're in bed? Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office." Horse_Feathers.wav The Opening Theme to "Horse Feathers". Horse_Feathers_closing.wav The Closing Theme to "Horse Feathers".