Professor Wagstaff (Groucho): "And let that be a lesson to every one of you!"
After chiding Pinky (Harpo) for burning the candle at both ends, Professor Wagstaff chooses to punish a pretty schoolgirl for his transgressions.
Wagstaff teaches a class in human physiology where he explains the Alps and blood circulation.
Professor Wagstaff first meets "The College Widow", Connie Bailey.
Connie: "If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy!" Wagstaff: "If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat!"
Baravelli (Chico) performs his traditional movie piano piece for this film.
Baravelli takes his shot at performing the movie's theme song, "I Love You".
Baravelli makes a pass at Connie Bailey with some suggestive mock Italian comments.
Having lost patience with the Physiology Teacher, Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky (Harpo) "bear him out".
Wagstaff speaks of his son Frank (Zeppo) to the assembled college professors: "No doubt you would like to know why I'm here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here - a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye."
Wagstaff: "Did my son tell you you had beautiful eyes?" Bailey: "Why, yes!" Wagstaff: "Told me that too! Tells that to everyone he meets!"
Wagstaff: "My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team."
Physiology Professor: "Oh, Mr. President, this is indeed a pleasure! What brings you here?" Wagstaff: "A bicycle, but I left it out in the hall."
Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
Wagstaff to Pinky: "Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends."
Baravelli makes a deal to get Wagstaff's booze bill paid off as Wagstaff pitches college life to Baravelli.
Wagstaff discovers you can burn a candle at both ends.
Wagstaff takes a canoe trip with Connie Bailey and recounts his search for a flat bottom.
Wagstaff makes a "your office or mine" pitch to Connie.
Wagstaff can't seem to decide if he wants his son to come to or go from him.
The Dean of Science cools his heels in Wagstaff's waiting room.
Wagstaff gets an interesting definition of a corpuscle from Baravelli.
Wagstaff: "Watch yourself, Baravelli, he's almost as crooked as you are."
Baravelli cusses at Jennings in mock Italian.
Wagstaff: "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived!"
Wagstaff delivers a line which just might have been the source for Tex Avery's high school classmates' phrase "What's up, doc?", which Avery chose to make Bugs Bunny's signature phrase.
Wagstaff: "Follow me, I've been doin' this all day."
Baravelli (pretending to be a voice teacher) to the College Widow: "Well, that's all for the first lesson. I come back next week and teach you how to breathe - and don't breathe until I see you again."
Wagstaff to Physiology Professor: "Have you got two empty dunce chairs? I've brought you two empty dunces."
Wagstaff's two "yes men": "Exactly! The professor is right!"
(From the above): "Exactly!"
After Connie shows Baravelli how she can sing, he says "You singa high, huh?" Connie responds "Yes, I have a falsetto voice", and Baravelli remarks "That'sa funny, my last pupil, she got a false set of teeth".
Frank: "Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son." Wagstaff: "My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father."
Baravelli: "That's a fixa fine we're in!"
Wagstaff: "Where would this college be without football? Have we got a stadium?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Have we got a college?" Yes Men: "Yes." Wagstaff: "Well we can't support both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."
Frank: "Well, they're not football players at all!" Wagstaff: "They must be football players, I got 'em out of a speakeasy."
Connie tries to baby-talk Wagstaff into giving her Huxley College's football signals.
Frank takes a shot at singing "I Love You".
Connie: "Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy!" Wagstaff: "Did you notice it from there? I'm always this way after I eat radishes."
Wagstaff: "Go to college! Meet all the beautiful girls! Get yourself a coed." Baravelli: "Hah, I got a coed! Last week, for eighteen dollars, I got a coed with two pair of pants." Wagstaff: "Since when has a coed got two pair of pants?" Baravelli: "Since I joined the college."
Wagstaff: "That's not a bad idea. I'll tell ya, I'll consult me laywer - and if he advises me to do, I'll get a new lawyer."
The crook who tries to fix the game between Huxley and Darwin Colleges, Jennings, kicks Wagstaff and Baravelli out of his accomplice Connie's apartment.
Jennings: "I love good music." Wagstaff: "So do I. Let's get outta here!" Jennings: "Sit down!"
Frank to his father: "Hello, Oldtimer!"
Outgoing College President to new President Wagstaff: "It is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College." Wagstaff: "Never mind that, hold this coat."
Wagstaff: "So! Doing your homework in school, eh?"
Wagstaff: "I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse!"
Jennings: "Pretty popular place, isn't it?" Wagstaff: "Yes, a hot dog stand'd clean up here."
Wagstaff sings "I'm Against It".
Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.
Wagstaff: "Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad!"
The outgoing College President introduces his replacement, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.
Baravelli's mock Italian admiration of Connie.
Wagstaff: "Don't look now, boys, but I think I see the Chemistry Professor up in the stands with the Janitor's wife!"
Baravelli and Pinky try to kidnap Darwin's top players, Mullin and McCarty.
Wagstaff propositions Baravelli to kidnap Darwin's star players & gets an earful.
Connie: "Ha ha, naughty man is only foolin'! Just for that, I'm comin' right over there and smootherin' naughty man with kisses!" Wagstaff: "You couldn't make that onions instead, could ya?"
Wagstaff: "Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy."
Wagstaff: "If my son comes back, tell him to take the lamp out of the window."
A RealVideo clip of Wagstaff physiology lesson.
Wagstaff to Baravelli: "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
Physiology Professor: "Psychopathically, the duodenum is in inverse ratio to the coordination of the palyphus." Wagstaff: "Is this stuff on the level, or are you making this stuff up as you go along?"
Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage licence."
Wagstaff consults his yes men to determine the relative values of football and education.
Wagstaff to outgoing president: "Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell ya what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference."
Wagstaff: "Oh, the shame of it!".
Wagstaff gives a pep talk to the wrong team.
Pinky does his rendition of "I Love You".
Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.
Wagstaff to Baravelli: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?"
Wagstaff promises a raise to his yes men.
Jennings: "If this is a singing lesson, I'm a ring tail monkey!" Wagstaff: "This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it!"
Wagstaff to physiology class: "Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?"
The Physiology Professor learns a thing or four about scirosis of the liver from Baravelli.
Wagstaff to Baravelli: "How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?"
Wagstaff: "Now I want you to sign this agreement." Baravelli: "Hey, there's nothing on this paper!" Wagstaff: "That's alright, we'll fill in something later."
Baravelli uses the first of Huxley's football signals.
The second of Huxley's signals.
The third of Huxley's signals.
The fourth of Huxley's signals.
The fifth of Huxley's signals.
Wagstaff: "Oh, I love sitting on your lap! I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up!"
Jennings: "Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would ya?" Wagstaff: "Why, I'd love to step out, but I have to see the girl first."
The Swordfish speakeasy password skit.
Streaming RealVideo clip of the above.
Wagstaff uses an inkwell to telegraph his desperate last stand against Baravelli and Pinky's peashooter attack.
Wagstaff's yes men: "That's what I think."
Wagstaff: "Who was that?" Connie: "The Ice Man." Wagstaff: "Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice!"
The Physiology Professor lectures on the liver.
Wagstaff's yes men: "The Professor is right!"
Wagstaff: "They got me!"
Wagstaff: "This school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go!"
Wagstaff (during Baravelli's piano solo): "I've got to stay here - but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby till this thing blows over!"
Wagstaff: "That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!"
Connie: "Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals! Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?" Wagstaff: "I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything."
Wagstaff: "I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley college." Baravelli: "That means nothing to me." Wagstaff: "Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff college." Baravelli: "Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long!" Wagstaff: "You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?"
Professor Wagstaff strums along with his rendition of "I Love You".
Wagstaff takes a crack at sports announcing on WADX radio.
Wagstaff introduces himself to Huxley College.
Baravelli asks an interesting question of the Physiology Professor in response to his lecture.
The Dean of Science gets angy sitting in Wagstaff's waiting room.
Wagstaff to Frank: "You may go now. Leave your name and address with the girl outside, and if anything turns up, we'll get in touch with ya."
Wagstaff, Baravelli and Pinky all say "I do" as Frank marries Connie.
Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Baravelli: "Why me? Ha, I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons." Jennings (to Connie): "Since when are you taking singing lessons?" Baravelli: "Since you came in."
Jennings: "What are you doing here?" Wagstaff: "I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. (Aside:) That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years!"
Wagstaff's yes men: "But Professor! Where will the students sleep?" Wagstaff: "Where they always sleep - in the classroom!"
Wagstaff can't understand why his son goes when he tells him to.
(Duck quacks) Wagstaff: "That's a wise quack! You keep your bill out of this, how would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?"
Caravelli to Connie: "Oh, you're beautiful! Ah, so nice!"
Wagstaff: "I think you've got something there, and I'll wait outside until you clean it up."
Wagstaff: "You may go now."
Connie: "Is gweat big strong man gonna show little icky baby all about the bad football signals?" Wagstaff: "Was that you or the duck? Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck!"
Wagstaff to Connie: "Come right over to my office. You can't, you're in bed? Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office."
The Opening Theme to "Horse Feathers".
The Closing Theme to "Horse Feathers".